April 27, 2021:
Hey honey... I was scrolling through your phone yesterday, looking through pics and videos and reading notes you had written... I came across this note from last May... thank you for the sweet hello. It’s been three short months without you, just a blip in time but it truly feels like forever... time is so weird. It still feels so surreal and will for a long long time. I realized quickly that the toll on my body from caregiving and taking care of our family the last few years was a lot so I’ve been focusing on self care lately, you’d be proud of me. I’d do it all again honey because even during the extremely rough times, I was thankful that I was the one to take care of you and you were always so appreciative. I believe the boys and I are doing as best as can be and figuring out each day, trying to smile and laugh as much as we can, but the pain is deep. There’s no playbook on how to deal with such a great loss, and you are a great loss. And oh man honey, when that deep sadness comes to the surface, I’ve learned there’s no stopping the tears and to just be in that space... my grief counselor calls it a cleansing day. I hate that I can’t share the tiniest things with you, like the lovely new bedroom space I created for myself, or how nice our yard looks after I’ve cleaned it up, or what’s going on with our boys... you’re the person I want to share stuff with, it’s so hard and so lonely. I will never understand why someone who loved his wife and boys so damn much was taken away like you were. But I have to be ok with not knowing the answer and dwell in the time and memories we had with you. Everyone misses you so much honey. I wonder how it’s going for you up in heaven and what you’re up to each day. You envisioned sitting in a large theatre style room watching replays of the past and watching over us so I hope that’s the case. Your birthday is coming up and I’m remembering how epic last year’s birthday was, I’ll cherish that day forever. We will continue to honor you honey and the truly special guy you were. Continue to shine your big, bright, beautiful light on us, we all need it. Miss you. Love, your sparkle
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