January Thoughts + Nathan's Birthday

Updated: May 6, 2021

January 3, 2021:

My current feels... that this end of life brain cancer shit is the worst. He’s comfortable and pain free and I’m extremely grateful for that... but I am currently REALLY missing being able to have a conversation with him. Ed cannot hear very well at this point which makes communicating even more difficult, but when I read to him, talk to him, pass along messages to him, or simply smile at him, his smiles and nods and occasional words speak volumes at this point... but nothing can prepare you for all these hanges, all the loss, all the grief.

 

January 12, 2021:

My sweetie. Still holding on like the badass warrior he is. Still comfortable and pain free for the most part. Sleeping 20+ hours a day. Not able to hear well or really know what’s going on. He only says a few words these days but I’m grateful that I get a “hi babe” almost every morning. We still get “I love you” or “I love you buddy” and we’ll hold onto those moments tightly. I appreciate anytime I see his eyes staring at me or hear his voice. The love, the pain in our heart, it hurts deeply. Love this guy so much.

 

Nathan's Sweet Sixteen // January 15, 2021:

S I X T E E N // It’s been so much fun celebrating our Nathan today. Creative, loving, caring, funny, strong, determined, smart... just a few words to describe him. Love this kid so much. It was super important for me to make this day feel as joyful as possible and I’m so thankful he’s had such a great birthday. Sadly, Ed didn't really understand that it was Nathan's birthday even though I talked to him about it often... but Nathan and I both smiled because Ed said "Buddy, you're looking so fly" when showing him his new sweatshirt, it was a very sweet moment.



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