February 3, 2021:
A full week without kissing on you, talking to you, holding your hand, caring for you. I think the longest we were ever apart was a week. I miss you so much honey. Our boys have kept me laughing which has been nice and I know you’d love that. But in between the laughter and the loving messages and the photos and the videos I need to watch in order to hear your voice talking to me, my body tells me I need to take a moment to breathe or put my head under the pillow and let it out. Or just hug someone.
// This past week has been a lot, a full on mixture of sadness and beauty. Everything feels off, surreal, exhausting... all the thoughts and feelings that will linger forever. I miss my person. Thank you all so much for the hundreds of messages, tributes, flowers, cards, gifts, prayers, and continuous love for myself and our boys. If I could send you all a beautiful bouquet of flowers I would because I know your heart hurts too. Thank you so much to everyone who listened to “What A Way To Go” last Friday, or anytime, and toasted to Ed, I was so happy to do that for him as it was something he requested which makes it so special. Ed often talked about his Celebration of Life gathering with me, and sometimes with others close to us, mainly because he didn’t want me to stress about any of it. He even has a specific Spotify playlist on his phone for the event that I found months back, bless his heart. There were many times though that I just couldn’t talk about it because it was too upsetting. I would tell him he deserved the biggest celebration ever, but how incredibly difficult it’d be for me knowing he was my wingman and he wouldn’t be there... my extroverted introvert self is not great at social gatherings without him. So of course life is funky right now with the pandemic and the big in person gathering can’t happen, but a special memorial will most likely happen in the fall when we call all gather in larger groups again. I love that so many are already honoring Ed in their own way and I know he’ll be emembered forever for the wonderful man he was. I’m very grateful to be able to take a few months off work to decompress, focus on the boys and myself, go for walks with friends, and just get out of the house a little, it’s been a long time. Thank you again for the love and please know that I’ve read all your messages even if I don’t respond. // Here’s a little video from September that makes me smile so I figured it’d make you smile too.