January 18, 2021:
“I don’t know how you do it”... I receive that statement often. I don’t always know either. But what I do know is that you just do it. You juggle it all, physically and mentally. You just figure it out. And you recognize and feel grateful for the people that help make it a tiny bit easier. When you love someone in sickness and in health, and they love you back, you’ll do whatever it takes to make sure they feel loved, feel clean, feel joy in their heart, feel little to no pain, feel heard, feel safe, feel cared for. That’s not to say that I haven’t had many many moments of frustration, bitterness, anger, self pity... but then that gets pushed aside because love and compassion take over. Watching my best friend, my boys dad, friend to so many, go through what Ed’s gone through is nothing short of heartbreaking. Every single minute of the day, it’s a mental and physical tug-a-war that constantly pulls at my mind and heart in every freakin direction. Am I doing enough? Why am I just sitting here in this moment? Why am I smiling? I’m strong but also weak. I smile with a broken heart. I cry and practically hyperventilate. I play smooth jazz in the house to keep things calm but I crank my pop music crazy loud when I drive out to get my chai latte. There’s no playbook to figuring out how to take care of your best friend while he battles brain cancer, let alone how to still be the best mom I can be, and not lose myself. But I reach out for answers to my thoughts and questions, I get lifted by the continuous love we receive, I eat too many cookies, I take a hot bath, I curl up under my blanket and immerse myself in a romantic comedy, I message friends, I pray. I soak in the hugs and love I receive from my three amazing guys. You just figure out how to ride the roller coaster each day because you love deeply. I’m thankful that I can see the light in the dark, there’s still light. I will always try and see the love and light no matter how hard it is, I have to.